KATIE HOPKINS lives in my phone. Every time I pick it up, there she is, rabbiting on about how there’s a global plot to inject us all with poison and take our money away.
She reckons there is a room full of cigar smoke and rich men, dreaming up new and interesting ways of keeping the little people in their place.
She even reckons they were responsible for the recent failure of Britain’s air traffic control system.
However, she did say something this week that struck a chord — that travel is being made difficult these days because the less we move about, the less carbon we generate.
In short. The Government is trying to achieve Net Zero by keeping us at home all the time.
It would explain why airports are so terrible these days.
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All those queues and all that genital touching and all those barked orders about removing your laptop and taking off your shoes and belt.
You can get on a train with no security at all. So why all the fuss when you get on a plane?
Who knows? Maybe it really is a plot to make us all take our hols in the back garden.
It’s the same story on the roads. This week, Wales reduced the speed limit in all its urban areas from 30 to 20mph.
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They’ve just done the exact same thing in my local village as well.
The argument is that lower speed limits save lives. But if that’s really the reason, why not lower the limit to 10mph? Or one?
It isn’t really the reason though. The real reason is that 20mph makes driving a nuisance.
So you’re more likely to walk or go on a bus. Which is annoying for you, but good for the Net Zero goal.
And Khan seems to have a secret goal of shutting every bridge across the Thames.
And then you have the problem of actually getting a licence to drive in the first place.
In some parts of the country, the waiting time for a driving test is five months.
And now some people are travelling 400 miles to try to beat the system, and find someone in beige trousers — all driving examiners have beige trousers — who will sit there while they reverse round a corner then let them get on the road.
When asked why the waiting lists are so long, the Government says that a stronger than expected economy has boosted demand.
Seriously, they are saying the economy is better than they were expecting it to be.
Really? Because it doesn’t look that way from where I’m sitting.
Katie Hopkins would argue that the real reason for the wait is to keep as many people off the roads as possible.
And you may think she has a point. Except for one small thing.
To make air and road travel as difficult as it is on purpose would require extremely clever joined-up thinking . . . from a government that can’t run a health service, or keep sewage out of the rivers, or keep the schools open, or jump- start the stock market, or stop the small boats from pouring on to the beaches of Kent.
So no. Sorry Katie. Things are bad, not because the Government is clever. But because it isn’t.
That’s a nope Pope
ON a tour of Mongolia, the Pope took time out to lavish praise on Genghis Khan, talking about the remarkable way he managed to harmonise all the different people in his empire, which stretched from Vietnam to the Danube.
Hmmm. Let’s hope Mr Pope isn’t planning on a trip to Germany any time soon.
Because Genghis usually harmonised his people by killing them and cutting their heads off to make a pyramid.
And then cutting the heads off their cats to fill in the awkward corners.
Oh and he also catapulted the corpses of people who’d died of the plague into cities, a move which killed millions in Europe.
And he was such a prodigious rapist that today, it’s said that one person in 20, across the entire world, can trace their roots back to his busy loins.
Aisle always prefer Cara to sermons among the church pews
THE Church of England seems to have realised that very few people are turning up to worship the baby Jesus any more.
More than 70 per cent of vicars agree with this and around 250 a year are currently applying for permission to remove the pews to make the space more suitable for other activities like fashion shows.
Doubtless, the nation’s God- botherers will be horrified to hear that Cara Delevingne could soon be flouncing down the nave of their local cathedral.
But I don’t see the problem. In the olden days, churches were regularly used as markets and cafes, so why not now?
Maybe it’s time to have an indoor go-kart track in Westminster Abbey.
Why not? God loves that sort of thing. It’s why he gave us petrol.
Do not bear arms
AN Italian farmer caused uproar this week after shooting a female bear that was in his garden with her two young cubs.
In his defence, he said that he’d simply “made a mistake”.
But it’s hard to see how this was possible. Because it’s difficult to mistake a bear for a rabbit.
And even if he had done this, he still had to go inside, mistakenly unlock his gun safe, accidentally load his gun and then mistakenly walk outside, take aim and shoot.
I’m sorry mate. You can drop a bottle by mistake, or crash a car. But you can’t use that as an excuse if you’ve shot a bear.
MANY people rolled their eyes when they heard that the famous Kew Gardens is to host an LGBGandT event celebrating “queer nature”.
The truth is, however, that it’s fascinating. Many flowers have both stamens and a stigma, sometimes referred to as the male and female parts.
Others change “sex” depending on temperature. And certain orchids are gender fluid as well.
And that’s before we get to mushrooms, which have literally thousands of different “sexes”.
It’s all so much more interesting than human beings who can only ever be either male or female.
But I was more consumed by the fact that she/he/they were wearing a pair of knitted underpants that cost £680.
I have no clue where they were bought from.
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But wherever it was, the sales girl needs some kind of award.
“Yes madam/sir/vole. They are extremely itchy but they are stupidly expensive.”