Let’s make a child with a smartphone feel as shocking as a child with a cigarette

I DON’T think I’ve ever seen a political campaign make so much ground so quickly.

I’m talking about the campaign to ban — or restrict — smartphones for children.

One minute it was nowhere on the public agenda. The major parties didn’t care because they didn’t see any votes in it.

Studies came out showing all the awful effects smartphones were having on our children.

Reducing their attention spans until it was even shorter than Kyle Walker’s.

Leaving the kids vulnerable to the madness of social media sites on the internet. Bullying, loathing, porn — all that stuff and more.

But nobody took much interest because, let’s face it, smartphones are a great convenience. Not for the kids, but for the parents. Keeps the little buggers occupied, doesn’t it?

But occupied doing what, exactly? Teachers have remarked how poorly kids concentrate in classrooms these days.

Some headteachers, including the brilliant Katharine Birbalsingh, have banned smartphones from their schools, or said kids can communicate with their mums and dads to let them know where they are but only with those old-fashioned brick phones with no access to the internet.

But now the campaign has really taken off. And it is led by women.

Very often it is mums who have seen the dreadful effect social media has on their children — such as Miranda Wilson, who set up the campaigning group Teched Off.

Or actress Sophie Winkleman, who wrote about the whole issue here last week.

And suddenly the politicians are taking interest. Largely women again.

The extremely talented Miriam Cates, for example — a Conservative MP — has raised the issue in Parliament. And she’s joined by the excellent Rosie Duffield, the Labour MP for Canterbury.

This is not a party political issue, you see.

The objections to banning smartphones come from libertarians who think that nothing should be banned, ever.

But there are also worries among some that a ban would disproportionately hurt the poorest sectors of our community.

The mums and dads who are “time poor”. Or that we’re somehow “turning back the clock”.

Here’s the thing. If all those studies are right, that the hours spent by kids on smartphones have a huge impact on their abilities to learn, then it’s pretty straightforward.

If we don’t ban smartphones, we will be increasing inequality between the kids from well-off homes and those who are poor.

Because, often, it seems it is in the poorest homes that kids use their smartphones the most.

As Katherine Birbalsingh says, what the middle classes don’t understand is that while they may control smartphone use, other parents cannot.

She says: “If mum and dad aren’t at home because they’re working three jobs, or if mum’s an alcoholic and dad’s in prison, or whatever the situation may be, then the child doesn’t have the support.

“And if he has a phone, he’s likely to be on the phone for eight hours in the evening and won’t go to sleep until two in the morning and then is exhausted and is unable to do his work.

“That simply isn’t recognised in society.”

Some people think that this whole problem can be achieved by regulation.

You know, asking the big tech companies nicely if they will make sure children are protected from harmful content online.

Yeah, right. Because TikTok and the rest are going to listen to that? It’s in their interests to get the kids hooked on social media.

And they don’t give a monkey’s about what, exactly, the children are exposed to.

The internet can be a great thing. The evidence that it is proving harmful to our children is overwhelming.

So, when the women speak — listen. And make a child with a smartphone as shocking a sight as a child with a cigarette.

TOOTH FAIRY PAY GAP

HOW much money does the tooth fairy leave when your kid loses a tooth overnight?

Can your fairy compete with British mum Chidera Nig’s fairy?

When her daughter lost a tooth, the fairy left £60, a letter, a necklace and a Louis Vuitton bracelet.

Mrs Nig said that childhood memories were precious and we all have to cherish them while we can.

Well, indeed. Actually, Mrs Nig is very much on trend.

The average amount spent by the tooth fairy these days is about five quid.

Inflation, innit? The one thing the tooth fairy cannot do, however, is find an NHS dentist for your kid.

And she’s also reluctant to shell out when the child’s second teeth drop out of its head, aged 16.

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I SAT watching the TV, with my jaw on the floor. It was Wheel Of Fortune.

OK, OK, I was waiting for something else to come on. I didn’t actually MEAN to watch it.

In fact, I’ve never seen it before. But there was a woman who had to identify a well-known phrase.

And here were the letters she had. MOTORW*Y SERVICE STATION. Yes, she had every single letter apart from that “a”.

And she STILL didn’t get it. Do you ever worry a bit about the general IQ level in our country? Just sayin’.

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BEARLY THERE

UH-oh. New evidence suggests that just one bowl of some cereals per day can increase your chances of developing dementia later in life.

That’s a bit of a worry, isn’t it?

And that’s the reason why Jeremy the Sugar Puff Bear was wandering around in the woods.

Poor creature didn’t have a scooby where he was or what he was doing.

KEIR’S PARTY PEACE

WELL, it took a bit longer than I expected but it has happened in the end.

The Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer has demanded a ceasefire in Gaza “now”. Much to the fury of the Israelis.

I knew this would happen – it was only a matter of time. But like every other decision made by Starmer, it hasn’t been made on a point of principle.

It’s because he needs to placate all those mental Hamas groupies in his party.

Three months ago Starmer was arguing – rightly – that Israel needed to get rid of the Hamas terrorists.

Now he presumably believes that getting rid of Hamas isn’t terribly important.

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THE callous murder of Russian dissident Alexei Navalny should be a helpful reminder to some of the dimwits in this country who quite like Vladimir Putin.

No, he isn’t much misunderstood and the victim of Western smears.

He is a ruthless gangster and murderer.

And appeasing him does not work.

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I NUKE IT WAS COMING

OH gawd – you know, I’m really not looking forward to World War Three.

I know everybody else is very excited.

Lots of countries increasing their armed forces and devising fiendish new weapons systems.

And us? We’ve just had a trial launch of our Trident nukes. The missile, spluttered into the water and sank like a half-cut Boris Johnson doing a belly flop into a swimming pool.

You know, I warned the MoD. I told them we should test our nukes regularly – on somewhere like Belgium, where they couldn’t do much damage.

But they didn’t listen.

Syrup sugar coating is corporate hogwash

FOR almost 100 years, British firm Tate & Lyle has used the logo of a swarm of bees and a dead lion for their yummy golden syrup.

Not any more. It appears company bosses are worried that the bees might scare people, with all that buzzing.

Also, some people might be upset that the lion is dead.

Rather than living a vibrant and productive life in an inclusive and diverse society.

The new logo they’ve chosen doesn’t look like anything at all.

But the bosses say that it stands for “science, solutions and society”.

I’m like, WTF? It sounds to me like grandstanding, meaningless, corporate toss.

I’m switching to maple syrup.

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Laura Goddard

February 21, 2024 8:00 pm